You Never Get Over It

How do you get over the loss of a daughter?

You don't.  Plain and simple. You try to find ways to cope.  You have good days, but you never get over it.  You go on with life, and you try to learn to live differently, but it's always there.

I get up in the morning with her on my mind, and I go to bed with thoughts of her and wishes that she'll come to me in my dreams.  She has, but only once.  I pray for more, for there I get a glimpse of her as she once once, alive, full of life, in 3-D.  It's not much, but it's something.  It's comforting.

In the one dream I had so far, she was dancing.  I like to imagine that she still dances a lot.

These last two months really don't seem real to me yet.  A constant fog shrouds my life. I get through the day, but I have great difficultly remembering to do things, or remembering what I have done.  There are so many things I want to do, especially things for Kelci, but focusing on them is nearly impossible right now.  I'll remember at the end of the day that I forgot to do what I wanted to do, but then in the morning I forget what it was I wanted to remember.

I'm hoping this eventually lifts.  There are a lot of important things I want to do.  I'm thinking I need to bring the notebook back out, the notebook I carried around with me everywhere in the days right after Kelci's accident, so I can write things down so they won't be lost forever.

Then there are times I think I might not want it to lift ever.  I think it might be easier to live in this little bubble I have created.  I know it appears at times that I am living large, stepping outside my box, but I really don't think I am.  I've created a nice comfort zone though, and for that I am grateful.

This comfort zone includes my family, of course, my office co-workers (we're mostly removed from the rest of the campus, so it's almost like a safe haven at work, almost), and a lot of old friends. 

It's good to go back to the things that made you smile and feel good.  Going way back, to the old high school gang, brings and unexpected level of comfort, because it takes you back to simpler times when life, although you didn't think so at the time, was relatively easy.  I am so grateful that even though many years have passed, and there have been periods we weren't in touch, that the friends I made way back when still have my back when it is needed most.  I have been blessed with some really amazing lifetime friends. 

It's still a bit overwhelming to face people (especially many at once) and new situations are often daunting, so I tend to cling to what I know or knew.  Old friends bring me much needed comfort.  It's hard not to stick with that, but I try to be open to new things and people.  I think you have to be when faced with something like this.  Nothing is ordinary anymore.  Nothing is normal or really in your comfort zone, so being willing to let go of the old and let new people and experiences in can offer unexpected helpful insight.  It has for me anyway.

Kelci left a little note in my office one day when she came to visit.  She did that often, left little drawings or quotes around, and they always brought me a smile.  They still do.  This one, from Bob Marley said: "Don't you know when when door closes another one is open."

The full lyrics  from Coming in From the Cold, really resonates with me these days, "Why do you look so sad and forsaken? When one door is closed, don't you know another is open?"

I try to remember that when I'm feeling really bad.  It's hard though, because I'm having a lot of trouble accepting why this particular door had to close, but still, I focus on looking forward, looking for the open doors and opportunities that await me, that await all of us. 

They certainly aren't what I expected.  No one expects this, but I'm learning to put this in a category of "it is what it is."  It's one of those things that I cannot change, so I have to accept it and move on with it, like it or not.

Give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Taking, this world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that all things will be made right,

If I surrender,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy forever in the next.

Reinhold Niebuhr (This is the original version, slightly altered by me to be more inclusive, of what is commonly known as the Serenity Prayer adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous.  I found this one and like it quite a bit better.)