3 months in.
I wish I could say things are getting easier. They're not. Reality and acceptance suck, just saying. There's not a minute that goes by that I don't miss Kelci and wish that she could just be here, that this nightmare is over, that I'm awake and she's here and everything is OK. There isn't a day that I don't cry, although most people don't know this or see this, because I can act normal, I can work, I can exercise, I can even smile and laugh. I didn't lose my sense of humor. That one really puzzles me sometimes, but I'm glad for it. It gets me through some tough times.
In the beginning, I was in shock but knew I had to be strong, the pillar, the rock, because I knew others might fall apart if I wasn't. Things had to be done, plans had to be made. There was no time to crumble. Life, you know, has to go on.
The thing is mine stopped that day. Life as I knew it ended, and this new life that I don't want began. Yes, the world ended for me in 2012. I hope the rest of you fare better.
It's hard to act normal when nothing is. It's hard to live a life you didn't plan when it's not only nothing like you expected, but it's horrid. I always thought that the quote "We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us,” meant something great was coming. I never thought this is what was waiting for me. I wouldn't have let go.
The thing is I didn't have a choice. Now what? I just don't know. I know I want better. I deserve better. I just don't know how to get it, or if it's really possible, but everyday I still try. Everyday I ask for comfort from my pain and that peace fills my heart. I count my many blessings, and I try really hard to be nice. I go out of my way to do nice things for others, because this also helps me.
It's hard though, really hard, especially when I see life going on so normally for so many others, and I see so much unhappiness, pettiness and ugliness. I remind myself often now that all that is magnified, because I see things so much differently and wish others could too. At times it's hard not to be judgemental, but since I'm not all seeing, I try real hard to step back and remember that I don't know what's going on behind the scenes in other people's lives, and I ask for peace and clarity for them as well.
I won't give up though. Honoring, remembering and keeping promises to Kelci are far too important for that. I'll find a way. I don't have a choice. In the meantime, I'll keep on asking for comfort and peace for me, everyone close to me, everyone one I meet and everyone out there who needs it. Maybe if I don't get it just yet, someone else will. Asking for and carrying peace in one's heart is never a bad thing, in volume it has to be awesome, right?
