Getting by with a little (a lot) of help from my friends

In the hours after Kelci's accident the one thing I demanded was that NO ONE be allowed to come to my house to see me.  I did not want to talk to anyone, to see anyone, to have to hear "I'm sorry." I begged my mother to keep everyone away from me, because I couldn't bear it.  I couldn't see them cry, because I sure as hell couldn't console them.  I didn't want anyone to touch me.  I don't even know why, but the thought of someone hugging me put me into a panic.  For the first day, everyone did a great job of keeping people away from me.

There were a few people that I did let in that first day though, two imparticular.  They had lost their daugter too, also a twin, a few weeks before Kelci.  They had all gone to school together, had known each other since elememtary school.  Two sets of twins from the same town, from the same graduating class, now without a match.  Yes, I let those parents in.

Mom came first, she was one of the first people at our door.  When I looked at her, and she looked at me, we understood without words.  She understood like no one else could.  We had lost our daughters.  She took me in her arms and said, "I had to come."

I said, "I know.  I am so sorry," and then I just cried. 

I asked her how she was making it through a day, a minute, a second.  I didn't know how I was even breathing. If I didn't remind myself, I might have stopped.  I remember her telling me that she was getting through because she knew without doubt that her daughter was fine, that she had not been taken, but recieved. She was home and all doubts that C.C. ever had about what was next were now gone.  She was the lucky one to now know and have it, and she was certain C.C. didn't want to come back.  She was happy.  She was free.  She was home.  She was also certain that C.C. had welcomed Kelci too.  That, I believed. 

I was awed at how in control she was, and amazed at how she was handling her loss.  I heard her words and they helped so much.  I wanted to believe her, but in those first hours and days, there was no way I could believe that I could be that strong, positive or together.  In the weeks that followed, I surpised myself.

Later in the day, she returned with her surviving twin daughter.  I didn't even know she was there, she just brought Courtney for Michelle.  She knew what we needed and I don't know if I can ever explain to her how much I appreciated and was helped by her that day.

At the end of the first full day without Kelci, when I could no longer function or even try, when I fell to the couch and could only scream in pain and cry, one more visitor came. This time, it was C.C.'s dad.  I let him in, and he just held me for awhile and let me cry.  He too knew my pain like no one else could.  We had lost our daughters.  I asked him how he did it.  How he got through a second, a minute, a day, and he told me it was with the help of people.  He told me to let them in, and I told him I didn't think I could.

Then, he told this. He said on the first night after his daughter's accident, he had came home to a full house of people and he couldn't bear to see anyone either.  He sat in his driveway for a long time.  He didn't want to go into the house, he didn't want to talk to anyone.  He knew how I felt. He finally forced himself to go in, and he told me that as he made his way through to everyone, as he talked to people and let them embrace him, he felt a relief.  It helped him feel a little better.  Nothing would take the hurt away, but people helped he said. 

In that moment, right then and there, I decided that is what we would do to.  The next day, I let people in, and people just kept coming.   I let them hold me.  I let them comfort me.  I let them tell me stories about Kelci.  I let them bring us what we needed.  I embraced them.  We embraced them.  They helped us more than we can ever say, and we helped them.  We cried together.  We laughed together.  We shared our sorrow.

I knew this was never going to be easy.  I knew that with certainty.  I knew that this was never going away or going to leave me.  I also knew that we were going to have to find a new way to live, and I knew that if I was going to survive, if I had any chance at all of possibly dealing with this that was going to have to open myself up and keep letting people in.  I had to let them help me.  And help me they did.  I know it's a two way street.  I know I need to lean on people, and I know they need to lean on me. 

I know there are no standards to this.  I know I will continue to do the best I can with what I've been given.  I'll have bad days, and good days.  I'll be strong and I'll need help.  I also know that I have to try to find the positive as I always have with my life before. It's not always easy, some days I have to fight like hell, but to honor Kelci's spirit, I'll find harder than I have ever had to before.