It won't get easier, don't lie

I'm not a harsh person. I try to keep the peace and find a way to make everyone happy.  I am also pretty agreeable, but on this point I will argue.  Here anyway.  I doubt I will ever tell anyone this to their face: No matter what you say, this is not going to get easier.  That's not an arguement.  I am certain it's a fact.  The pain of losing my daughter is not going to get easier.  EVER.

Coping might get easier.  Getting through a day, might get easier.  Laugther might come easier. Day to day task might get easier too.  Living without her, will never be easy.  EVER.

How do I know this?  How do I know the sun will come up tomorrow?  I just do.

How do I know this?  Because every single parent I have talked to who has lost a child says the same thing:  This never gets easier.  I've heard, "It's been 8 years, and for the most part, I'm doing OK, but there are still days when I cannot even manage to get out of bed."

"It's been 9 years, and I'm not going to lie to you, there are good days, and well, there are some very bad ones."

"It's been 3 years, and when I see a car like the one he drove, I still get taken aback.  I still cry.  I always will.  It doesn't get easier."

"She has been gone for 17 years, and I still have bad days.  You will always have bad days.  It's especially bad when I'm alone. I cry all the way to work somedays.  It never gets easier.  It's always here. You get through the day. You do what you have to, but it never gets easier."

And on, and on and on.  Every single parent who lost a child, no matter how old that child was, says the same thing.  It does not get easier.  EVER.

Will I learn how to function better?  Of course.  Will the pain subside?  I suspect it will, some day, but I also suspect there will be days it will come back full throttle and feel exactly like it did the moment I found out that I would never have my baby, my Kelci, in my life the same way again.

No, it will not get easier.  I am forever changed.  I now carry a profound saddness that will never go away.  Yes, I can still be positive.  Yes, I can still carry on a fairly normal life.  Yes, I have a strengh in me that I never in all my life thought I would actually have to call upon.  Yes, I am brave. 

There are some wounds that no amount of time on Earth will ever heal.  Don't lie to me.  It does not get easier.  EVER.