Thursday, February 21, 2013

Cracks

Michelle and I at Kelci's celebration of life. 
8-13-12
"I guess when your heart gets broken you can sort of start to see cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us - and our mission is to never EVER let it!" - Unknown

You have to let love, light, hope and peace win. Don't let tragedy destroy you.

There are times I want to scream "I AM NOT OK!  I AM NOT STRONG! I miss my daughter more than anyone can even imaginge." 

But I don't, because I feel like I push people away when I'm weak.

I don't get this way often, but when I do, I just want to be this way.  I want to mourn, and grieve and cry and scream and let it out and work through this pain without advice.

I stay strong to stay sane. Some think I bottle it up, but I don't, I just I keep this private. There are times I'm afraid to cry, because I don't know if I'll ever stop.

I don't run from the crying though, I keep it for me.  I work through it.  I let it out, and then I move forward with love, light, hope and peace, because, as always, I will keep my promise.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Bittersweet Birthdays


Michelle and Kelci, Haight Asbury Street, San Fansisco, CA, June 2012

We blew out the final candles of  "Birthday Week" (6 family birthdays in 10 days, 4 in our house, 2 in one day) on February 8th, and for the first time ever, I'm grateful  it's over.  Getting through it was one of the most painful things so far.  It used to be a like a 10 day celebration, this year it was more like 10 days to dread.

It's starts with my birthday in January, and quite honestly, I didn't think that was going to be too hard, and I was wrong.  Birthday's are about wishes and the one thing I wish for the most I'll never get, and all the "Happy Birthday" greetings can't make up for the one unheard. 

Being who I am, I tried to make the most of it, and by the end of the day, there were more smiles than tears, and an impromptu dinner at a Japanese hibachi grill (a favorite place of Kelci's) left all of us feeling that she somehow made a way to make it happen.  Days like this call for all your strength, and being strong is exhausting. 

Three days later, on February 1st, we had to call upon the strength again for Ray's birthday, knowing in a week we would need to summon the most of all.  Two more birthdays, Ray's mom and sister, fall between, and frankly, I didn't have the energy to do more than say the words this year.  I hope they understood and felt it was enough.  Some how, I think they did. 

And then, like it or not, the 8th came.  Kelci's birthday.  Michelle's birthday.  Bittersweet, indeed.  How do you celebrate one and not the other?  It was always one, and Ray and I always tried so hard to make birthdays special for our kids.  It was their special day, and our special day to celebrate what we love most in this world, to celebrate the happiest days of our lives, the birth dates of our children.

Each of us had our own hard times in the week leading up to the birthday.  Michelle had an especially hard time, how could she not? Kelci was there from birth, always there, her birth mate, her best friend.  When "Happy Birthday" was sung it was always Kelci and Michelle. Not just Kelci, not just Michelle. It was their birthday.

It still is, but like everything else we've had to face these past 7 months, it's different.

For both I said this:

Twenty three years ago I was doubly blessed when two tiny bundles of sunshine burst into this world and forever changed my life. Happy 23rd Birthday to my amazing twins, Kelci Gibbons and Michelle Gibbons. I love you forever and always and NOTHING can change that. It only gets stronger.

Today is about celebrating and cherishing life and remembering to make the most of every second we are given. ...It's about making sure Michelle smiles a lot and knows how loved and special she is. It's about remembering all the awesome moments we celebrated with Kelci. What we give power, energy and attention to wins. I choose love and life.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

"Love is stronger than death. Even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it ca't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."

Norman Cousins
 
To Kelci this:
Happy Birthday, Sweetheart. Twenty three years ago at 6:51 am you came into this crazy world and immeadiately stole the hearts and blessed the lives of everyone in your presence, a legacy that doesn't end. I am forever grateful that I was the lucky one who got the privledge to be your mom. Your journey here took an unexpected turn, but you light shines brighter than ever. I am always with you, as you are always with me, and nothing can ever change that.
And this to Michelle:
Happy 23rd Birthday my sweet, beautiful Sea-chelle, Michelle! I am so grateful and blessed that I am your mom. From the second you were born (even before) I have been awe struck by you, and every day you continue to amaze me with your beauty, strength, compassion, creativity, passion and grace. You have no idea how special you are, and that is part of what makes you so wonderfully you. You are my sunshine, and I love you more :)!
Michelle was terrified (her words) of the day.  She feared it would be miserable day, and she didn't want that to happen.  She and Kelci had never had a bad birthday.  They were always special and wonderful, and the thought of others being depressed on that day because Kelci wasn't here was almost unbearable. 
Not going to lie, a good part of the morning was awful.  I tried desperately not to let it be, but sometimes your emotions are just stronger than your will.  It was my baby's day of birth and she wasn't here to celebrate it.  She would never be here again to celebrate it.  There is nothing fair or right or good about that. You are supposed to get every birthday with your child, and when that doesn't happen, when a life is cut short, it's hard to celebrate.
But, how do you not celebrate when you have another baby who shares the same day of birth?  You have to celebrate.  You have to hold on to the blessings that are still in your life.  You have to dig deep and find and focus on the beauty and love that still holds your world together, and that's exactly what we did.
Celebrate life and love, no matter what
I made a birthday feast for Michelle that included a huge salad (her request), a salad from Pinterest that she wanted try and homemade tiramisu (first attempt ever) that I baked in beer mugs.  The tiramisu was Kelci and Michelle's favorite and a yearly tradition, and we sang Happy Birthday to Kelci and Michelle, because as Michelle said, "it will always be Kelci and Michelle, forever and always, no matter what."

Ray bought flowers for both of his girls.  Ray put Kelci's on the window seat in the living room "in the sunshine, so Kelci could see them" and said "I will buy flowers for her every year."

Brian bought Michelle wine glasses and two bottles of white wine.  He really wasn't sure why he bought two, but Michelle knew it had to be a nudge from Kelc, one for each of them.
As we have done from the beginning, we came together as a family, and made the best of the situation we were given. 
Forever, always, no matter what we will celebrate the birth of our beautiful girl, but in a very different way. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Time warp


The calendar in our kitchen remains on July 2012, halted in time marking the moments that life forever changed in this house.  I cannot bear to turn it, but someday, when an extra surge of strength seeps in, I will likely take it down and toss it.  Not today.

More than half a year marched on since Kelci's accident, some of my life with it, yet a part of me remains stranded in those first moments of comprehension that my life would forevermore be one without Kelci (physically) in it. 

This double life I lead is weird.  One part of me has been able to function, to continue to work, to run, to put together a wonderful celebration to honor my baby, to put together a walk/run team in her memory, to get through some major holidays, to go on two trips (one work related), to find ways to smile, to help others, to dig deep and find the strength to carry on and try my hardest to live well in spite of, and to keep my promise to Kelci. 

Then, there's this part of me that mostly remains hidden deep within me. That can't move, can't get past the words "there's been an accident, she's gone." Right now, even as I sit here writing this, I shake my head and think, no that's not possible.  I'm right back there, leaning on the couch to hold myself up, and not having a clue what to do next.

That me still looks out at the functioning me and wonders how I am doing it.  Sometimes, OK, much of the time, the functioning me is asking the same thing.

Mostly, I think, it's because I try to live in the present.  My mantra "it is what it is" has helped me to stay grounded in the here and now and not continually asking the unanswerable question, why, and I believe the instinct to survive and the need to stay somewhat sane have kept me from looking too far into the future.  I try to simply take what comes right now, looking ahead leads to worry, worry might lead to collapse.  Right here, right now, the present is all I'm promised and truthfully just about all I can handle at the moment, so it's where I'll try to remain.  Funny how something like this got me to a zen like place others work really hard at finding.  I'm pretty sure I finally achieved true irony.

Maybe I'm not completely successful at it though, because, as I've already pointed out, part of me still sits back there lost, alone, stuck and unable to fully comprehend that this is real.