Strength is Survival

Most people see me as very strong, but inside, that's not always the way I feel. I think there are a few reasons I tend to put on a brace face, stay strong, or act brave is my need to comfort others and the fact that I'm afraid to go back to that very dark, hideous place I was in the first hours and days after I learned of Kelci's accident. 

The pain, heartbreak, utter dispair that I felt then were almost unbearable. I remember just screaming and wishing that I would just die right there, right then, because living for even a second without Kelci didn't seem possible. I also remember begging my mom not to tell people, not to let them in my house, to protect me from everything.  I couldn't imagine facing anyone, and hearing them say they were sorry, because that would mean it was real, and I couldn't imagine seeing pain in them and having to try to console or comort them too when pain was more than I could bear. That place was hopeless, horrifically painful, angry, dark, ugly, hateful. There was no peace there. If I had to desribe Hell, I could think of no better way. It was my worst nightmare with no hope of relief. As I type this now, I still have to fight to not let that horror sink back in.  

Honesly, it would be very easy to go back there, all I'd have to do is let my thoughts wander there for a few moments, and simply give up, and the downward spiral would be quick. This is why I try to be strong. This is why it's almost an obsession for me to comfort others. This is why I work so hard to find and do positive things to remmber and honor Kelci. It beats the alternative by far, but it is a struggle, and fight every single day. 

Sometimes it's so hard to hear people say how I strong I am, and how they would never be able to do what I'm doing.  Do they honestly think I thought this was something I thought I'd be able to do?  I know they mean well.  I know they are proud of me and admire my strength, but I'm strong because I don't have much of a choice.  My strength comes from knowing that I have to hold things together for my husband, my other children, for myself.  I have to stay strong just to survive.