Helping others helps me

I have always been extremely empathetic, but since Kelci's accident, hearing that another child or young adult has died tragically affects me so strongly. How could it not?  Dreadfully, I'm one of the unfortunate roughly twenty percent who knows first hand what it's like to lose a child.  My empathy for the parents is overwhelming, and in the past 5 months my emotions have been tested over and over far too many times.  It has been a brutal year for our community and elsewhere. 

When I hear the news that another young person has gone too soon, I instantly and instinctively want to go to the families to do what I can.  I want to be there for them, to answers their questions, to tell them what I know, have learned, felt or perhaps let them know what to expect.  I just want to hug them, so they know without words that they are not alone and that someone understands.  I want to do whatever they need, just to help in any way I can. 

A few people did this for me, and I feel compelled to do the same, but at the same time I struggle, because I don't want to intrude.  Experience taught me that company is not always welcome.  In the darkest moments right after learning that Kelci was gone, I didn't want anyone around me.  I didn't want to be touched, hugged or talked to, and I certainly didn't want to have to console someone else.  

Most times, I reach out anyway at least in a small way, just to let them know that I'll be there when and if they need me, but I always let them decide. I have reached out to several local parents who have gone through the same thing I have, and have also befriended other mom's who have lost a child online. We seem to just find each other.We are in this terrible club we don't want to be in, and all we can do is just try to help each other the best we can when we can.

When I learned of the shootings in the elementary school in Newtown, CT my heart ached for all those parents.  Parent's should not have to bury their children, and when it comes in such a heinous way it's all the more difficult.  Kids aren't supposed to die, schools are supposed to be safe, and going for a swim on a beautiful summer day, like Kelci did, isn't supposed to end with a car crash and a life being over...WHY?  Why does this kind of thing keep happening?  Why is the universe so screwed up?  Tragic events will always leave us asking why.

I learned very fast after Kelci's accident that asking why is pointless and harmful.  It will forever go unanswered, as there are questions we just don't get answers to while we are here. Some questions are better left unasked, and it's best to move as quickly from them.  Dwelling on why will land you smack in the middle of the grips of despair. 

When I was back at that stage with Kelci, not so long ago, it was horrific, unbearable, and I was empty, helpless and hopeless, and truly just wanted to curl up in my bed and die.  I knew it wasn't where I should be, and I knew even more that it's not where Kelci would wanted me to be.

I knew I had to find a way to make something meaningful come out of this senseless tragedy. This, I think is what has kept me out of that dark place, but it sure isn't easy. I do it by focusing on the here and now, counting my blessing and reminding myself of what I still have and not dwelling on what used to be.  I also almost daily find ways to help others and I'm constantly planning ways to honor Kelci.  It's what I have.

Unfortunately bad, unexplainable things  are going to keep happening in this world, I can't stop that, but what I do afterward can be controlled.   I'm learning from my pain and finding ways to help and do good, and in that it's helping me. 

We can't always do everything, and sometimes we can't even do exactly what we want to do (like going to a town hours away just to help where I can), but there are some things we can do.  We can help where we are at in honor of others.  From the beginning, I knew that part of how I would honor Kelci was through random acts of kindness, keeping positive even when I didn't want to be and just being a messenger of peace, love and goodwill whenever I could.  It helps, that's what I know.

Sadly, minutes after I originally posted this, I learned that my empathy would be tested once again when I recieved the news that my good friend's 18 year son had been killed two days before in a car accident. 

The day before Christmas Eve, when most people are preparing for festive events, I had to attend the viewing for another child of a friend (this was the 2nd in the month, and 3rd in 6, in additon to the several other tragic deaths of young adults in our community).  With all this tragic loss of young life this year, it truly makes me wonder what the hell is going on. 

I was shocked, stunned and heartbroken without measure once again, and I honestly didn't have words for my friend even though I have heard more of them then I can count.  I did the only thing I knew I could, I was there for him  I stood in line, I hugged him, I cried with him and I promised him that I would always be there for him when he needed me.  When it's all you have, it's enough.