Early one morning, a few weeks before Kelci's accident, I was walking my dogs as I do most days. It was summer, end of June, and the sun had just risen and a soft, misty dew fog enveloped the neighborhood. Others were seldom moving around at this time, and the solitude always gave me a sense of pure peace. During this quiet time, random thoughts often popped into my head giving me compelling things to ponder. One particular thought stuck with me so much so that I wrote it down upon my return home. For weeks I sporadically thought of it, and after the accident I realized how prophetic it actually was.
What if bad things happen to good people so that others can learn from them. Maybe through them, by the way they carry themselves, by the way they handle bad situations with grace and dignity, others will learn lessons.
When I first had the thought, I never once suspected it was a message to me, about me, but this seems to have become my life. It's not a job I ever wanted, or even thought I could handle, but here I am trying to embrace it. Being a "poster child" for parents who lost children (or for those who have lost in general) is surely not what I want to be, yet it brings me comfort when something I say or do helps someone else, so reluctantly, I accept it.
In any event, the way I'm handling this is the only way I know how. This is me. I don't do what I do for others. I just do what I do to survive, to some how make sense of this senseless situation. To some how find goodness where none should seemingly exist. I have found goodness in the kindness and generosity of others. I have found goodness it finding ways to do good, positive things ins Kelci's memory. I have found goodness in all that I still have. My quest for sanity and understanding keeps pointing me to focus on inner strength, peace and hope and that manifest outwardly as strong and to some gives a sense that I'm "handling things well".
To that I say, as I say to a lot of things these days, "it is, what it is". I'm not doing anything any different then I would tell others to do. I'm not as strong as some might thing I am. I am just doing the best I can with the circumstances I have been forced to live with. You would be really surprised at what you can handle and how you handle things when you aren't given a choice.
I consider myself a good person. Since the accident, I have definitely question why this sort of thing happens to good people. I've even questioned a time or two if maybe I wasn't good enough and that I somehow brought this punishment onto myself. I know this isn't true. It's normal to question and ask why and have doubts when you are trying to answer the unanswerable.
Mostly, I just try to be a good person, and I try to focus on positive things instead of negative. I did that before, and try even harder now. Some days it's a real struggle and I have to fight real hard to get it right, but I do, because it's what I thing is the best. I might not be right, and what I do might not be what is best for everyone, but it works for me, and right now that has to be my focus. Much of my strength and courage comes from repeatedly asking the question, "What would Kelci want me to do?" Knowing she would want me to find a way to be happy and help others keeps me going. I know that she would be proud of me for trying to keep my head up, so I challenge myself for her.
There are some people who believe I might not be grieving enough. That I'm pretending all is well and suppressing my emotions. They are well meaning, but truthfully don't really know. Dark moments creep in daily, how could they not. Fortunately, these moments are reserved for my closest inner circle. I am grateful that most of the world sees my strength and dignity, and I suppose I instinctively just know when and where I can be completely venerable. That's when the tears flow more easily and the unbearable grief is fully exposed. Often, this is when I'm all alone. It comes out, that's the important part. The whole world does not need to see me fall apart.
Of this I'm sure, because it wasn't pretty when strangers on a plane got a glimpse of me in full on meltdown. They had no idea why I was there, and I tried to hide it as best I could, unfortunately, covering my face with my coat was the only option available at the time. I don't like to make others uncomfortable, and truthfully I'd rather show others that there might be another way.
I've been told I am teaching people trough my example. It was never my intention, but perhaps I am. Perhaps this is what was meant to be. Perhaps the message was always intended for me.
 |
| A sunrise will always remind me that I am not in charge. |
What if bad things happen to good people so that others can learn from them. Maybe through them, by the way they carry themselves, by the way they handle bad situations with grace and dignity, others will learn lessons.
When I first had the thought, I never once suspected it was a message to me, about me, but this seems to have become my life. It's not a job I ever wanted, or even thought I could handle, but here I am trying to embrace it. Being a "poster child" for parents who lost children (or for those who have lost in general) is surely not what I want to be, yet it brings me comfort when something I say or do helps someone else, so reluctantly, I accept it.
In any event, the way I'm handling this is the only way I know how. This is me. I don't do what I do for others. I just do what I do to survive, to some how make sense of this senseless situation. To some how find goodness where none should seemingly exist. I have found goodness in the kindness and generosity of others. I have found goodness it finding ways to do good, positive things ins Kelci's memory. I have found goodness in all that I still have. My quest for sanity and understanding keeps pointing me to focus on inner strength, peace and hope and that manifest outwardly as strong and to some gives a sense that I'm "handling things well".
 |
| Kelci and Michelle, San Fransisco, CA, June 2012 |
I consider myself a good person. Since the accident, I have definitely question why this sort of thing happens to good people. I've even questioned a time or two if maybe I wasn't good enough and that I somehow brought this punishment onto myself. I know this isn't true. It's normal to question and ask why and have doubts when you are trying to answer the unanswerable.
Mostly, I just try to be a good person, and I try to focus on positive things instead of negative. I did that before, and try even harder now. Some days it's a real struggle and I have to fight real hard to get it right, but I do, because it's what I thing is the best. I might not be right, and what I do might not be what is best for everyone, but it works for me, and right now that has to be my focus. Much of my strength and courage comes from repeatedly asking the question, "What would Kelci want me to do?" Knowing she would want me to find a way to be happy and help others keeps me going. I know that she would be proud of me for trying to keep my head up, so I challenge myself for her.
There are some people who believe I might not be grieving enough. That I'm pretending all is well and suppressing my emotions. They are well meaning, but truthfully don't really know. Dark moments creep in daily, how could they not. Fortunately, these moments are reserved for my closest inner circle. I am grateful that most of the world sees my strength and dignity, and I suppose I instinctively just know when and where I can be completely venerable. That's when the tears flow more easily and the unbearable grief is fully exposed. Often, this is when I'm all alone. It comes out, that's the important part. The whole world does not need to see me fall apart.
 |
| Each new day is different. |
I've been told I am teaching people trough my example. It was never my intention, but perhaps I am. Perhaps this is what was meant to be. Perhaps the message was always intended for me.
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