Holidays

I'm trying hard not to think about the upcoming holidays, but it's pretty hard not to do when I'm constantly bombarded with holiday related stuff.  From overheard conversations at work, to shelves in stores already filled with holiday staples and newspapers overstuffed with holiday fliers.  A couple of months ago I came home almost every day to a mailbox full of sympathy cards. That dwindled as the weeks passed and it's now been replaced with an onslaught of catalogs and advertisements filled with great buys and holiday cheer.

Trick-or-treat, Thanksgiving Feasts and Christmas don't stop just because someone is grieving.  What will we do is the big question.

We've already decided that we will be doing things different. We need new things to focus on because the old traditions and the way things used to be have been ripped to shreds.  Normal no longer exists here.

This includes a Thanksgiving morning 9-mile race for my son, Brian, and I and two of our friends. We'll be running as Team Kelci in our tie dye t-shirts, and maybe after I'll be to tired to focus on anything but making the turkey.  Any other non-traditional things are welcome that day too.  I've been tossing around an open house pot luck so we can fill the house with food, family and friends.

Christmas hasn't even entered the thought pattern yet. It's there, but I'm choosing not to accept it.  It's excruciating just hearing other people talk about there plans and knowing that I'm going to have to live through this.  I have thought of something to do leading up the day to give us something positive to thing about.

When Kelci was a little girl, first or second grade, so 6 or 7, our wonderful neighbor Mrs. Smith gave her a pine tree shoot that she had received from the Arbor Day Foundation.  We planted that little tree by the house and then had to replant it a few years later when realized how big it was going to grow.  Each year it grew taller and taller and fuller and fuller and Kelci never let us forget that it was her tree.  Kelci's tree is now about 20 feet tall and sits in the middle of our front yard.  Not the best planned tree placement, but it's there and it's staying right where it is.

This year, I'd like to turn Kelci's tree into a Peace and Love Tree for the holidays, maybe keep it up through February (her birthday and Valentine's Day), as a tribute to her, and hopefully as a way to bring some comfort to all of us in what we are anticipation being a really tough time.

Ray, Brian and Michelle like the idea of something different too, and we have asked family and friends to help us fill the tree with peace signs and hearts or whatever symbolizes peace and love to them. When the idea came to me and I started planning it, I realized it gave me something to look forward to and to even get a little excited about for the holidays.  Keeping busy and doing good things in Kelci's honor have held me together, so I'm going to keep on going with what is working.

In the weeks after the accident the amazing outpouring of messages and cards we received helped so much.  They brought us so much comfort, and even now, we re-read them over and over, and they still bring comfort. Maybe the tree will work a little magic too. I'm hoping it will be like that with new ornaments on the tree. Imagining a great big tree smack dab in the middle of our yard being filled with beautiful little random tributes to my daughter puts a smile on my face and peace in my heart.  It's right out there in the yard for anyone to access, and honestly, we all think it might give us a nice diversion.  I'm pretty sure an outdoor tribute, on her tree, would make Kelci smile too.

Right now, the plan is to have a tree lighting on December 1st (my motto remains no Christmas before the Christmas month, how odd that one tradition still clicks) and perhaps include a casual hot chocolate and soup social--Brian has agreed to let the RV he purchased be the serving station in the driveway. 

This new life is very hard, every day is a challenge, special days bring even greater challenges.  Doing things like this, planning things for Kelci, to honor her, gives our family something to look forward to...it's different, but it's what we have now. A wise and wonderful friend of Kelci's reminded me that together with the help of each other we'll get through this.

We are also going to organize a food collection to stock the shelves of the Back Mountain Food Pantry in Trucksville and the Seven Loaves Soup Kitchen in Tunkhannock (I still have to get in touch with them to see what their greatest need is) and make the donations there in Kelci's name. Living well and doing good things to honor Kelci are part of our new normal and we are hoping that others will continue to help us by helping out. All we can do is hope that doing things like this eases some pain and makes the holidays just a bit more bearable.