Emotional Rollercoaster

I've been all over the place emotionally the past two days.  Yes, even more so than over the last three months since Kelci's accident. 

This weekend we formed a Team Kelci to participate in a local 5K run/walk that was a memorial celebration to another young woman who lost her life far to early (Stephanie Godri-Johnson passed at age 31 from colon cancer).  We have future plans to establish a 5K run/walk to honor and celebrate Kelci's life, but this year was too soon (a tremendous amount of planning).

Michelle and Kelci 4th Birthday

For the past two weeks or so, I've been getting things ready for it.  Tie dying headbands and t-shirts, making candy bags, special water bottle labels and rounding up the troops to run and walk.  At times, I actually felt good, happy to be doing something prodcuctive and special for Kelci.  Then it hit me yesterday.  This is all I get.

I don't get to celebrate birthdays or holidays with Kelci.  I don't get to plan her wedding with her.  I don't get to help her pick out Halloween costumes or prepare for any parties or special events for or with her.  This is it.  I get to find little ways to celebrate her life, honor her spirit and remember her.  I get to cling to memories and hope and pray that she is remembered always.  Celebrations like this become my important events of her life.

Truthfully, it sucks.  This is not right.  This is not fair. This is absolutely NOT the way it is supposed to be, but it is what it is.  This is my new reality.  This is my new life without Kelci, so it is what I will do.  It's all I can do right now.

Michelle, my other daughter, and I were talking and about it and she has similar feelings.  She came very close to backing out of the race, because the reason we are running is just so hard to comprehend.  In the end, we were all glad we did it, because we knew Kelci would be so proud of us for getting out there together, remembering her and having some fun.

Michelle, Brian, me and Ray celebrating
and remembering Kelci's life at a 5K.

Maybe some won't understand the importance of gathering like this, but for us it matters, and until someone lives in my shoes, I would never expect them to understand.  When you lose a child, a sister, a granddaughter, your best friend, it becomes enormously important that they are not forgotten.  The reality is they likely won't be, but rational thoughts went out the door the moment I found out Kelci was gone.  I see others slip back into their normal lives, believe me I don't blame them or hold resentment for that, it's just that we don't get to do that.  This is our new normal, and for us, it allows us to have things to look forward to and to find ways to celebrate Kelci's life like we promised we'd do. 


It doesn't come without waves of emotion.  The past few days I've gotten very excited and upbeat about celebrating her life, only to sink into grief as I mourned all that we have lost and will no longer have the oppurtunity to have.  I've had to remind myself many times of the words I spoke to her:

As long as I have breath to breathe I will remember and cherish every moment of your beautiful life.  I will focus on that, and celebrate that, and I will honor your memory by living well.  I will have fun and live with no regrets.  I will do whatever makes me the happiest, and I will not feel guilty because I get to live and have fun, because there is life and much living to do.  I will make people smile, I will make myself smile, I will live, laugh and love!
 

This is the way we celebrate now. It's not easy, but it's all we have, so we have no choice but to accept it and embrace it.