Promises to keep

In the hours after the accident, I cursed everything I've ever known.  To say I was angry doesn't do it justice.  I was so f-in' pissed at the world and everything I ever believed.  I paced around my house and just screamed and screamed and screamed, gutural, wounded dying animal screams, for hours.  Everyone else went to bed, or just went to a quiet place away from me, and let me rant, curse, scream and cry until I physically couldn't anymore, and then I fell into a fitful sleep just to start all over again when I woke a few hours later.  Nothing prepares you for that kind of pain.  Nothing.  Losing a child is the worst kind of hell I could ever imagine.  It is a pain I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure when or how, but the anger somehow went away.  Pretty quickly too, or so it seems to me, I don't really know what the standards are for this sort of thing, and time, well, I lost a lot of that the first few days.  I have no idea how I got from minute to minute.  I vaguely remember people and conversations, but don't have a real grasp on it.  I don't know if I ever will.  Right now, a month later, it seems like this just happened yesterday, and I still don't know how we got here. Time in a way stopped for us that day. I know weeks have passed, but I forget so much, but at the same  time remember too much.  In any event, at some point in the first few days after the accident, maybe that first day, I released much of the anger.  I know it was there, and then it was gone.

Focusing on positve things seemed to take over.  I had to make plans, or should I say I was forced to make plans.  I had to find a funeral home, decide on arrangements, all sorts of horrible things I never imagined I would ever have to do.

Instinctively, I immeadiately knew that she would be cremated, and I also knew that I would be taking her ashes to scatter in California. It's where she always wanted to be.  I also decided that we would not be having a traditional viewing or funeral and that we would be celebrating Kelci's life and not mourning it.  She and her life were too awesome not to celebrate and she would never want the traditional.  We ultimately decided on an outdoor celebration of her life (more on that later), and it turned out to be one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.  Our family, friends and the community embraced it and it gave us a peacefulness, experience and memory than we will carry with us for a lifetime.

This whole thing is horrible and sad enough, we didn't need to make ourselves even sadder by enduring a viewing, funeral and burial.  Things that none of us (my immeadiate family and I) are fond of anyway.  Please understand, I'm not knocking the traditional, I know for some people it is exactly what they need and I would never try to denounce them, it's just not for us, especially not for Kelci.  Everyone needs to do things the way that works best for them.  I just knew they weren't Kelci and they were not what we needed at this time. I'm enterally grateful we did things the way we did.  It worked for us, and that is what matters.  Nothing else.

At the Celebration for Kelci and in the days after the accident and leading up to the celebration, I learned so much about myself and so much more about my daughter.  I knew she was awesome, but I don't think anybody was fully aware of the extent of her impact on the world.  That's what I'm trying to hold on to now.

As I planned her celebration, I made promises to her.   First and foremost, I promised her that I would celebrate her life and not mourn her death, because it was such a beautiful life worth celebrating.  I vowed I would live a good life for her, and that I would try my hardest to stay happy and positive in spite of this.  I know that's what she would want.  In my tribute to her, "For Kelci", I promised this.  Some days it's not just hard to keep my promises, it's almost impossible, but for her it is what I need to and will do.