Emotional Rollercoaster

I've been all over the place emotionally the past two days.  Yes, even more so than over the last three months since Kelci's accident. 

This weekend we formed a Team Kelci to participate in a local 5K run/walk that was a memorial celebration to another young woman who lost her life far to early (Stephanie Godri-Johnson passed at age 31 from colon cancer).  We have future plans to establish a 5K run/walk to honor and celebrate Kelci's life, but this year was too soon (a tremendous amount of planning).

Michelle and Kelci 4th Birthday

For the past two weeks or so, I've been getting things ready for it.  Tie dying headbands and t-shirts, making candy bags, special water bottle labels and rounding up the troops to run and walk.  At times, I actually felt good, happy to be doing something prodcuctive and special for Kelci.  Then it hit me yesterday.  This is all I get.

I don't get to celebrate birthdays or holidays with Kelci.  I don't get to plan her wedding with her.  I don't get to help her pick out Halloween costumes or prepare for any parties or special events for or with her.  This is it.  I get to find little ways to celebrate her life, honor her spirit and remember her.  I get to cling to memories and hope and pray that she is remembered always.  Celebrations like this become my important events of her life.

Truthfully, it sucks.  This is not right.  This is not fair. This is absolutely NOT the way it is supposed to be, but it is what it is.  This is my new reality.  This is my new life without Kelci, so it is what I will do.  It's all I can do right now.

Michelle, my other daughter, and I were talking and about it and she has similar feelings.  She came very close to backing out of the race, because the reason we are running is just so hard to comprehend.  In the end, we were all glad we did it, because we knew Kelci would be so proud of us for getting out there together, remembering her and having some fun.

Michelle, Brian, me and Ray celebrating
and remembering Kelci's life at a 5K.

Maybe some won't understand the importance of gathering like this, but for us it matters, and until someone lives in my shoes, I would never expect them to understand.  When you lose a child, a sister, a granddaughter, your best friend, it becomes enormously important that they are not forgotten.  The reality is they likely won't be, but rational thoughts went out the door the moment I found out Kelci was gone.  I see others slip back into their normal lives, believe me I don't blame them or hold resentment for that, it's just that we don't get to do that.  This is our new normal, and for us, it allows us to have things to look forward to and to find ways to celebrate Kelci's life like we promised we'd do. 


It doesn't come without waves of emotion.  The past few days I've gotten very excited and upbeat about celebrating her life, only to sink into grief as I mourned all that we have lost and will no longer have the oppurtunity to have.  I've had to remind myself many times of the words I spoke to her:

As long as I have breath to breathe I will remember and cherish every moment of your beautiful life.  I will focus on that, and celebrate that, and I will honor your memory by living well.  I will have fun and live with no regrets.  I will do whatever makes me the happiest, and I will not feel guilty because I get to live and have fun, because there is life and much living to do.  I will make people smile, I will make myself smile, I will live, laugh and love!
 

This is the way we celebrate now. It's not easy, but it's all we have, so we have no choice but to accept it and embrace it. 

Three months.  I didn't think I’d be a person who focuses on dates, but it's hard not to when you wake up and know it's the 24th of the month and know exactly what that means. I hope as time goes by it's not so much at the forefront, but I have my doubts.



“Yo if u look closely in the pic of me with the heart…
U can see the ocean in my sunglasses J”



When I was a kid a teacher told me once that I had the "big puppy dog eyes" that could get me anything I want.  Not true, but I have learned that I do express much emotion with my eyes. I don't like to look in the mirror often, because there I'm greeted with the saddest eyes I've ever seen reminding me of how much I've lost.  Instead, I like to look within and find all the happy cherished memories that my life has brought me.  They are countless and not going anywhere.  They are my happy place.  I smile when I’m looking there.  I also like to look around me, outside of me, and focus on all the amazing blessings, especially the human ones, that remain with me.  They too are plentiful.  They are my comfort zone. I smile and laugh when I’m there.  Laughter really does console a hurting heart and soul.

I'll keep my sadness though too, for awhile, forever, who knows, because it is something that's just there.  It comes with the territory.  You don't love and cherish someone that much and expect no sadness when their gone. That’s impossible. You just learn to live with it. This learning to live without Kelci in my life is hard business, harder than anything I have ever known.  I really don’t like to look at the sadness, but it can’t be helped.  It’s there, in my heart, in my soul, in my eyes.  I can tuck it away though with thoughts of happier times, plans for good times, smiles, laughter, hugs, patience and understanding.  I am blessed beyond measure with an abundance of that. 

I wish I could say things are getting easier.  They're not.  Reality and acceptance suck, just saying. There's not a minute that goes by that I don't miss Kelci and wish that she could just be here, that this nightmare is over, that I'm awake and she's here and everything is OK. There isn't a day that I don't cry, although most people don't know this or see this, because I can act normal, I can work, I can exercise, I can even smile and laugh.  I didn't lose my sense of humor.  That one really puzzles me sometimes, but I'm glad for it.  It gets me through some tough times.

In the beginning, I was in shock but knew I had to be strong, the pillar, the rock, because I knew others might fall apart if I wasn't. Things had to be done, plans had to be made.  There was no time to crumble.  Life, you know, has to go on.

The thing is mine stopped that day.  Life as I knew it ended, and this new life that I don't want began.  Yes, the world ended for me in 2012.  I hope the rest of you fare better.

It's hard to act normal when nothing is. It's hard to live a life you didn't plan when it's not only nothing like you expected, but it's horrid.  I always thought that the quote "We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us,”  meant something great was coming.  I never thought this is what was waiting for me.  I woudn't have let go.

The thing is I didn't have a choice.  Now what?  I just don't know.  I know I want better.  I deserve better.  I just don't know how to get it, or if it's really possible, but everyday I still try.  Everyday I ask for comfort from my pain and that peace fills my heart. I count my many blessings, and I try really hard to be nice.  I go out of my way to do nice things for others, because this also helps me. 

It's hard though, really hard, especially when I see life going on so normally for so many others, and I see so much unhappiness, pettiness and ugliness.  I remind myself often now that all that is magnified, because I see things so much differently and wish others could too.  At times it's hard not to be judgemental, but since I'm not all seeing, I try real hard to step back and remember that I don't know what's going on behind the scenes in other people's lives, and I ask for peace and clarity for them as well.

I won't give up though.  Honoring, remembering and keeping promises to Kelci are far too important for that.  I'll find a way.  I don't have a choice.  In the meantime, I'll keep on asking for comfort and peace for me, everyone close to me, everyone one I meet and everyone out there who needs it.  Maybe if I don't get it just yet, someone else will.  Asking for and carrying peace in one's heart is never a bad thing, in volume it has to be awesome.

Hope

Hope becomes so different when you are dealing with permanent loss.  The thing you hope for most is impossible to attain, so it's shifts to other things.

I hope Kelci isn't forgotten.

I don't really think this will happen, but the thought is there.  Of course, for Ray, Michelle, Brian and I that will never happen, but I wonder if others will remember like I do.  People naturally slip back into their lives, I was guilty of this to before this happened to me, and as time goes on, we hear less and less from people, and I think they are forgetting.

I hope my fears of this are unrealistic, and I often remind myself that I'm not in their head, as they are not in mine, and maybe their thoughts of Kelci are stronger than I think.

I hope people continue to contact me to tell me stories about Kelci that I haven't yet heard, or that they send me a picture, or share how Kelci's life and passing have changed or touched them.  I hope that 50 years from now I'm still recieving "Kelci is Here" tributes.  This gives me comfort.

I hope that I can find a way to continue honoring Kelci in a more permanent or substantial way, like establishing a charity foundation or annual run. This is extremely important to me, and I continue to work on it.

I hope in my lifetime I can at least get a glimpse the meaning of this.  It's too much to bear to believe there is no bigger plan.

I hope that good comes from this tragedy. I have witnessed the beautiful imprint and amazing impact she made on this world and I hope it continues to grow and flourish.

I hope Kelci is happy, free, safe, unrestricted and embraced by love wherever she is, and I hope that her adventures are instantaneous and never ending.

I hope that everyone who knew and loved Kelci is forever embraced by peace, love and healing and finds a way to be OK.

I hope that by dealing with this loss the way I am, I can help someone else.

I hope I find more ways to bring Kelci's spirit closer to me, and to always notice the little things that let me know she is still very much still with me.

I hope I remain strong, so I can support my family. On the days I'm not, I hope they are strong for me.  I hope as a family we get through this and become stronger and closer. 

I hope peace and love fill the hole in my heart and sustain me until I  am with her again.