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| “I let it go. It's like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go, and the river brings you home.” Joanne Harris, Five Quarters of the Orange |
I don't generally post things here or anywhere on the Internet for a specific targeted audience. I'm fully aware that by posting anything here or elsewhere that others will potentially read it, and might share my opinion, but might not. That's totally fine by me. It's the price you pay for willingly posting things publicly. I'm not highly controversial anyway, I just post what I feel and what has helped me, so truthfully I wouldn't expect my flack, nor do I honestly expect many to find, follow or read what I post. I'm genuinely surprised when someone does.
There are times that I do feel a need to explain something further if someone interprets what I said in a way I didn't expect, but often that sort of interaction opens my mind to a different way of thinking. If someone says something that is way off of my train of thought, I usually just ignore it. More often than not engaging with someone who isn't willing to even try to understand your point of view or who is more interested in attention or only what they say is a just more frustrating then it's worth. I tend to take in things that are useful and positive to me and ignore and let go of that which will bring me down.
I do not for one second think this would work for everyone. What I do here is for me. Everyone grieves differently, and no way is wrong. I talk about what helps me or how things are or have been for me. I am truly happy and honored if it helps someone else, but it's never my expectation. I try to be respectful, aware and kind with everything I do, because life has taught me that you just never know what challenges or stories are under the surface. We all know that smiles, including my own, can mask never ending pain.
I'm glad I can find ways to smile, to be happy, to move forward with this, because I truly believe this is the best way to honor Kelci and as I have said many, many times, it beats the alternative. Finding a positive way to handle my grief and pain is what keeps me sane. Just because I choose love and light doesn't mean I'm over anything. I never will be. I still find it really odd when I hear some say that, well intended or not. Exactly how does one get over a loss like this? They don't. Unless you are here, in this place, there's no given that this will be universally understood. In fact, I know from personal experience that it won't be, and even after only 6 months I have sadly heard those words myself. Sorry, not happening.
Most people don't except it, but it's still shocking to hear it from even one person. I have to wonder when others will jump on the bandwagon. What do most people think is long enough to grieve when your child dies? A year, maybe two. I'm certain that no time will ever be enough. My guess is that you just become better at hiding your pain from others who truly will never fully understand unless they in your same sad shoes.
Acceptance, I've read, is part, or a stage, of grieving. It's true, but what they don't make clear is that acceptance isn't forgetting. Acceptance isn't your ticket to getting back to normal. Normal as I knew it is gone forever. Acceptance is figuring out how to live again with this thing that was forced upon me, this thing that others, and even I before it happened to me, could not imagine ever surviving.
For me, acceptance is finding ways to deal with this tragedy in a positive way. It's posting pictures and stories of Kelci and her artwork and doing things to honor her memory and keep her spirit alive. Right now, I cannot imagine ever stopping that.
Acceptance will never mean forgetting or trying to stifle the pain when it surfaces, nor will it ever be "getting over it". For some on the outside there might be closure, a timeline and moving on. For me, and those of us closest to this loss, this is just not possible. We can only accept this about others too, and not be bothered by their thoughts or expectations as ours are completely different. Letting go of that is the letting go we can do.
Even those who have had a similar loss, won't experience things the same way I do. It's not easy for everyone to understand this. Understanding and acceptance from others is all we can hope for, but we won't always get it. As time goes on, I know others will move forward, likely at a much quicker pace than I, and there will be some, of course, because there always are, that will completely move on and will never grasp why a part of me just never will. All I can and will do is bless them and move on in my own way, in my own time, in the best way I know how.
