Posted to Facebook 2/27/13:

Truth be told, even though I didn't think I was doing it, I've been having many days of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I'm aware that it's OK, but to be fully honest, it's not helping nor do I believe it is particularly healthy. By doing this, I can also see that it is having an effect on others around me, and causing me to behave in ways that aren't really me (and I don't like).

It occurred to me this morning that I'm nowhere close to living the life I should be. I am also, in some ways, punishing myself for what happened to Kelci (as if there were anything I could do). I am sure this goes along with forgiveness. I realized a few weeks ago that I needed to forgive myself for not protecting Kelci. Of course I know logically that there was nothing I could have done, but logic and the thoughts tumbling in my brain don't always work together.

This morning it became clear to me that I have to keep reminding myself of this until it really sticks, and also need to fully grasp that it is OK to be happy and move forward (with this), and that I need to allow good things to come into my life despite this horrible thing that has happen. Back in the beginning, when instinct had hold of my body and mind, this came easier.

So here goes (again, and again and again as necessary): I forgive myself and give myself permission to accept all the goodness that is meant for me (it's meant for everyone).

Doing this, allowing happiness, doesn't lessen the pain from my experience, from physically losing Kelci, nor does it tarnish it or Kelci's memory. (Remember emotions, not logic, have been winning here). It actually honors her in the greatest way possible. It is the best memorial and legacy I could ever give her.

So, today, I am recommitting to what I wrote and said from my heart months ago. When I stop living, or put living on hold, and when I allow my grief to consume me, it only hurts me and everyone who loved Kelci. So, I start honoring my girl again by "living out loud", "living in color" or whatever other way expresses living as fully as possible. The more dreams achieved, the more her light will shine.
I'm off to brighten up the world (or at least my part of it).

"Love Is Eternal" painting by Alexandra Brisson

A few days after I posted the above on Facebook, I saw this beautiful post on the wall of another mother whose daughter passed a week before Kelci did:



When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay, but rather that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living - even if you don't feel like it.

Don't let grief be your constant companion.
Realize that... your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end.

Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal.

~ Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989

It sums up exactly what I'm feeling and what I've been saying in such a beautiful way. 



Cracks

Michelle and I at Kelci's celebration of life. 
8-13-12

"I guess when your heart gets broken you can sort of start to see cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us - and our mission is to never EVER let it!" - Unknown

You have to let love, light, hope and peace win. Don't let tragedy destroy you.

There are times I want to scream "I AM NOT OK!  I AM NOT STRONG! I miss my daughter more than anyone can even imaginge." 

But I don't, because I feel like I push people away when I'm weak.

I don't get this way often, but when I do, I just want to be this way.  I want to mourn, and grieve and cry and scream and let it out and work through this pain without advice.

I stay strong to stay sane. Some think I bottle it up, but I don't, I just I keep this private. There are times I'm afraid to cry, because I don't know if I'll ever stop.

I don't run from the crying though, I keep it for me.  I work through it.  I let it out, and then I move forward with love, light, hope and peace, because, as always, I will keep my promise.

Bittersweet Birthdays



Michelle and Kelci, Haight Asbury Street, San Fansisco, CA, June 2012



We blew out the final candles of  "Birthday Week" (6 family birthdays in 10 days, 4 in our house, 2 in one day) on February 8th, and for the first time ever, I'm grateful  it's over.  Getting through it was one of the most painful things so far.  It used to be a like a 10 day celebration, this year it was more like 10 days to dread.

It's starts with my birthday in January, and quite honestly, I didn't think that was going to be too hard, and I was wrong.  Birthday's are about wishes and the one thing I wish for the most I'll never get, and all the "Happy Birthday" greetings can't make up for the one unheard. 

Being who I am, I tried to make the most of it, and by the end of the day, there were more smiles than tears, and an impromptu dinner at a Japanese hibachi grill (a favorite place of Kelci's) left all of us feeling that she somehow made a way to make it happen.  Days like this call for all your strength, and being strong is exhausting. 

Three days later, on February 1st, we had to call upon the strength again for Ray's birthday, knowing in a week we would need to summon the most of all.  Two more birthdays, Ray's mom and sister, fall between, and frankly, I didn't have the energy to do more than say the words this year.  I hope they understood and felt it was enough.  Some how, I think they did. 

And then, like it or not, the 8th came.  Kelci's birthday.  Michelle's birthday.  Bittersweet, indeed.  How do you celebrate one and not the other?  It was always one, and Ray and I always tried so hard to make birthdays special for our kids.  It was their special day, and our special day to celebrate what we love most in this world, to celebrate the happiest days of our lives, the birth dates of our children.

Each of us had our own hard times in the week leading up to the birthday.  Michelle had an especially hard time, how could she not? Kelci was there from birth, always there, her birth mate, her best friend.  When "Happy Birthday" was sung it was always Kelci and Michelle. Not just Kelci, not just Michelle. It was their birthday.

It still is, but like everything else we've had to face these past 7 months, it's different.

For both I said this:

Twenty three years ago I was doubly blessed when two tiny bundles of sunshine burst into this world and forever changed my life. Happy 23rd Birthday to my amazing twins, Kelci Gibbons and Michelle Gibbons. I love you forever and always and NOTHING can change that. It only gets stronger.

Today is about celebrating and cherishing life and remembering to make the most of every second we are given. ...It's about making sure Michelle smiles a lot and knows how loved and special she is. It's about remembering all the awesome moments we celebrated with Kelci. What we give power, energy and attention to wins. I choose love and life.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

"Love is stronger than death. Even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it ca't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."

Norman Cousins

 

To Kelci this:

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart. Twenty three years ago at 6:51 am you came into this crazy world and immeadiately stole the hearts and blessed the lives of everyone in your presence, a legacy that doesn't end. I am forever grateful that I was the lucky one who got the privledge to be your mom. Your journey here took an unexpected turn, but you light shines brighter than ever. I am always with you, as you are always with me, and nothing can ever change that.

And this to Michelle:

Happy 23rd Birthday my sweet, beautiful Sea-chelle, Michelle! I am so grateful and blessed that I am your mom. From the second you were born (even before) I have been awe struck by you, and every day you continue to amaze me with your beauty, strength, compassion, creativity, passion and grace. You have no idea how special you are, and that is part of what makes you so wonderfully you. You are my sunshine, and I love you more :)!

Michelle was terrified (her words) of the day.  She feared it would be miserable day, and she didn't want that to happen.  She and Kelci had never had a bad birthday.  They were always special and wonderful, and the thought of others being depressed on that day because Kelci wasn't here was almost unbearable. 

Not going to lie, a good part of the morning was awful.  I tried desperately not to let it be, but sometimes your emotions are just stronger than your will.  It was my baby's day of birth and she wasn't here to celebrate it.  She would never be here again to celebrate it.  There is nothing fair or right or good about that. You are supposed to get every birthday with your child, and when that doesn't happen, when a life is cut short, it's hard to celebrate.

But, how do you not celebrate when you have another baby who shares the same day of birth?  You have to celebrate.  You have to hold on to the blessings that are still in your life.  You have to dig deep and find and focus on the beauty and love that still holds your world together, and that's exactly what we did.

Celebrate life and love, no matter what

I made a birthday feast for Michelle that included a huge salad (her request), a salad from Pinterest that she wanted try and homemade tiramisu (first attempt ever) that I baked in beer mugs.  The tiramisu was Kelci and Michelle's favorite and a yearly tradition, and we sang Happy Birthday to Kelci and Michelle, because as Michelle said, "it will always be Kelci and Michelle, forever and always, no matter what."

Ray bought flowers for both of his girls.  Ray put Kelci's on the window seat in the living room "in the sunshine, so Kelci could see them" and said "I will buy flowers for her every year."

Brian bought Michelle wine glasses and two bottles of white wine.  He really wasn't sure why he bought two, but Michelle knew it had to be a nudge from Kelc, one for each of them.

As we have done from the beginning, we came together as a family, and made the best of the situation we were given. 

Forever, always, no matter what we will celebrate the birth of our beautiful girl, but in a very different way. 

Time warp

The calendar in our kitchen remains on July 2012, halted in time marking the moments that life forever changed in this house.  I cannot bear to turn it, but someday, when an extra surge of strength seeps in, I will likely take it down and toss it.  Not today.

More than half a year marched on since Kelci's accident, some of my life with it, yet a part of me remains stranded in those first moments of comprehension that my life would forevermore be one without Kelci (physically) in it. 

This double life I lead is weird.  One part of me has been able to function, to continue to work, to run, to put together a wonderful celebration to honor my baby, to put together a walk/run team in her memory, to get through some major holidays, to go on two trips (one work related), to find ways to smile, to help others, to dig deep and find the strength to carry on and try my hardest to live well in spite of, and to keep my promise to Kelci. 

Then, there's this part of me that mostly remains hidden deep within me. That can't move, can't get past the words "there's been an accident, she's gone." Right now, even as I sit here writing this, I shake my head and think, no that's not possible.  I'm right back there, leaning on the couch to hold myself up, and not having a clue what to do next.

That me still looks out at the functioning me and wonders how I am doing it.  Sometimes, OK, much of the time, the functioning me is asking the same thing.

Mostly, I think, it's because I try to live in the present.  My mantra "it is what it is" has helped me to stay grounded in the here and now and not continually asking the unanswerable question, why, and I believe the instinct to survive and the need to stay somewhat sane have kept me from looking too far into the future.  I try to simply take what comes right now, looking ahead leads to worry, worry might lead to collapse.  Right here, right now, the present is all I'm promised and truthfully just about all I can handle at the moment, so it's where I'll try to remain.  Funny how something like this got me to a zen like place others work really hard at finding.  I'm pretty sure I finally achieved true irony.

Maybe I'm not completely successful at it though, because, as I've already pointed out, part of me still sits back there lost, alone, stuck and unable to fully comprehend that this is real.

Acceptance

“I let it go. It's like swimming against the current. It exhausts you.
After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go,
and the river brings you home.”
Joanne Harris, Five Quarters of the Orange

I will never be able to please everyone all the time, and have never been disillusioned to think everyone will share or be swayed by my opinions.  I just write from the heart in hopes it will help me or that it keeps Kelci's memory alive and spirit active.  Maybe someone else who walks in similar shoes will also be touched by it. 
I don't generally post things here or anywhere on the Internet for a specific targeted audience.  I'm fully aware that by posting anything here or elsewhere that others will potentially read it, and might share my opinion, but might not.  That's totally fine by me.  It's the price you pay for willingly posting things publicly.  I'm not highly controversial anyway, I just post what I feel and what has helped me, so truthfully I wouldn't expect my flack, nor do I honestly expect many to find, follow or read what I post.  I'm genuinely surprised when someone does. 

There are times that I do feel a need to explain something further if someone interprets what I said in a way I didn't expect, but often that sort of interaction opens my mind to a different way of thinking.  If someone says something that is way off of my train of thought, I usually just ignore it. More often than not engaging with someone who isn't willing to even try to understand your point of view or who is more interested in attention or only what they say is a just more frustrating then it's worth.  I tend to take in things that are useful and positive to me and ignore and let go of that which will bring me down.

I do not for one second think this would work for everyone. What I do here is for me. Everyone grieves differently, and no way is wrong.  I talk about what helps me or how things are or have been for me.  I am truly happy and honored if it helps someone else, but it's never my expectation.  I try to be respectful, aware and kind with everything I do, because life has taught me that you just never know what challenges or stories are under the surface.  We all know that smiles, including my own, can mask never ending pain.

I'm glad I can find ways to smile, to be happy, to move forward with this, because I truly believe this is the best way to honor Kelci and as I have said many, many times, it beats the alternative.  Finding a positive way to handle my grief and pain is what keeps me sane.  Just because I choose love and light doesn't mean I'm over anything.  I never will be.  I still find it really odd when I hear some say that, well intended or not.  Exactly how does one get over a loss like this?  They don't.  Unless you are here, in this place, there's no given that this will be universally understood.  In fact, I know from personal experience that it won't be, and even after only 6 months I have sadly heard those words myself.  Sorry, not happening.

Most people don't except it, but it's still shocking to hear it from even one person.  I have to wonder when others will jump on the bandwagon.  What do most people think is long enough to grieve when your child dies?  A year, maybe two. I'm certain that no time will ever be enough.  My guess is that you just become better at hiding your pain from others who truly will never fully understand unless they in your same sad shoes.

Acceptance, I've read, is part, or a stage, of grieving.  It's true, but what they don't make clear is that acceptance isn't forgetting. Acceptance isn't your ticket to getting back to normal.  Normal as I knew it is gone forever.  Acceptance is figuring out how to live again with this thing that was forced upon me, this thing that others, and even I before it happened to me, could not imagine ever surviving. 

For me, acceptance is finding ways to deal with this tragedy in a positive way.  It's posting pictures and stories of Kelci and her artwork and doing things to honor her memory and keep her spirit alive. Right now, I cannot imagine ever stopping that. 

Acceptance will never mean forgetting or trying to stifle the pain when it surfaces, nor will it ever be "getting over it".  For some on the outside there might be closure, a timeline and moving on. For me, and those of us closest to this loss, this is just not possible. We can only accept this about others too, and not be bothered by their thoughts or expectations as ours are completely different.  Letting go of that is the letting go we can do.

Even those who have had a similar loss, won't experience things the same way I do.  It's not easy for everyone to understand this.  Understanding and acceptance from others is all we can hope for, but we won't always get it.  As time goes on, I know others will move forward, likely at a much quicker pace than I, and there will be some, of course, because there always are, that will completely move on and will never grasp why a part of me just never will.  All I can and will do is bless them and move on in my own way, in my own time, in the best way I know how.

Remember me with a smile

Perhaps death is just another form life takes.  I believe this to be true, because I believe that while Kelci left us physically, she is and always will be very much here.  Just in a different form. I thought of this and came up with the idea of adding thoughts and quotes to Kelci's photos and artwork, because is so important for me that Kelci's is remembered.  I want people to see her creativity, her love of nature, art, photography and simple things, so I am going to start sharing it here.

Kelci snapped this photograph while hiking with us, her dad, Toby, Lucky and I, on the Lehigh Gorge Trail as part of an environmental science project for a class.  I remember how proud she was on this particular photo and how alive she was that day walking in the woods, jumping over stones, searching for leaves and flowers native to Pennsylvania to add to her collection.  She got extra credit for identifying the butterfly.  For the life of me, I can't identify it nor the flower. 

A New Year

There will be new beginnings in 2013. Of that, I'm sure. What they will be, and of anything else, well, I have no clue.

2012 rocked me at the core, and handed me something so unexpected and unfathomable that I am forever changed.

I started writing this as the year came to and end and the new year began, and I seriously was stumped at what to write.  It's hard to write about new beginnings and fresh starts when you are still grasping to understand what was.

I don't sit in the same place I did other years, setting goals, making plans, feeling empowered by a fresh start and a new year.

For many, it is a clean slate, a chance to start over fresh, begin anew.  It's easy to forget some problems and leave 2012 in the dust.  We can't forget 2012.  In some ways, we will be stuck there forever.  For me, for my family, it will forever be the year Kelci's life here ended.

Some parts of our life, just stopped there.  Kelci will always be 22 there.  Kelci will always be alive there.  2012 is etched in our memory, forever, an anniversary we'd gladly forget.

Of course, I will move forward, but always with THIS (Kelci's passing).  Yes, I'll go on to my "new normal".  My new normal.  A very hard concept to grasp.  I've heard this many times in the past 5 months, I think I might have said it a time or two myself, and in the past two days I've heard it twice, from two other moms who will never forget 2012 for the same reason I won't.  Their daughter's lives ended too.  None of this is normal.

We didn't choose this, yet here we are struggling to find a way to live life without Kelci.  I don't want to be a mom without her daughter, but here I am.  It is what it is.  My new mantra.

Yes, life is dramatically different now.  Things that were important six months ago just aren't now, and others are exceedingly more important. 

Most things can, and should be left in the past, but for me 2012 will be one I'll never forget nor completely let go of.  For me 2012 was very much an end. There are some things you just never get over.  This is one of them.  You gone on, you move forward, but always, always you carry it with you.

Yes, I will find a way to have a happy new year.  For me, for us, my family, this is non-negotiable.  From the beginning, we have chose love, and that will get us through.

Happy New Year!  Do what ever you have to do to make it the best year yet.